Being the Change You Want to See in Others
Do you ever feel bothered by the actions of other people? Does their attitude tend to hurt your feelings? Is it hard for you to “get over” the way someone spoke to you? Or, do you know grumpy people, or whiners, or complainers, and don’t know how to deal with them? Or what about those people who are just plain mean, ornery, always down, snippy, bullies, just so negative and it makes you upset?
What do you do about those people? Do you let them bother you? Do you let it fester? Or do you snap back at them? Do you plan ways to get even? Do you fantasize about ways to pay them back? Do you try to help them? We all have people in our lives, we know people, who we would love to see changed. They might be very negative, or they are bullies, or they abuse power, or they gossip, or they are mean spirited, or they just complain all the time.
Or maybe you know of someone who is talking behind your back. Telling stories about you.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many hours I have spent being focused on what is wrong with everybody else- all the things they were doing that were a problem for me. Over and over, I would repeat to myself what someone had done, what was wrong with them, why they were ruining my life. I would be so focused there, on that other person, and what they were doing- and it robbed me of so much of my time and energy. I missed out on so many wonderful events, movies, concerts, dinners out, because while I was there in person at those concerts, movies, dinners, I was seething about somebody else- something that had happened to me.
Just the other day, my husband Jeff and I were walking our dogs and I was talking to him about some ideas for my radio show. I noticed he wasn’t really listening (the glazed over expression he had sort of gave it away) and I was surprised by how fast I got triggered by that. I was saying to myself: he isn’t listening to me! He isn’t paying attention to me! He isn’t making me the center of his Universe! And, pretty soon I started adding the word AGAIN to each of those sentences. I was having a full blown internal reaction, and my poor husband had no idea what was going on! I was so busy noticing all of the many “problems” with him; I completely missed the point that I was becoming ten times the problem I thought Jeff was being.
So, what was happening there? I was putting the power of my happiness into the hands of my husband. I was “asking” him to lift me up, make me feel special, make me feel good. What is wrong with that? It isn’t his responsibility to take care of me like that.
The truth is: It is your job to take care of yourself- happiness is an inside job. And, nobody can make you feel as good as you can make yourself feel. So, I began to quiet myself by returning to my breath. Just in and out, in and out. And, I began a dialog with myself. I asked, Robin, what is happening for you in this moment? I found out that I wanted Jeff to pay attention to me, to be interested in what I was talking about, I wanted him to be proud of me and excited about my show. These answers gave me the information I needed, the clues, to help myself out of that negative space. To shift the energy, I was going to make ME the center of my Universe and I was going to pay attention to ME and be a good listener to ME. I began telling myself how proud I was of myself. I had to start thinking about how cool I was for my accomplishments. Again to my breath, in and out, in and out. I could feel the shift happening inside. I began to talk to myself (inner voice talking, not the outer one where people think you are a crazy person walking down the road!). I said, Robin: you are all right. I love you. You’re amazing.
This is something I have learned to do over time. And, it that may seem kind of radical, when I say to become the change you want to see in other people. What I am saying is, if you want someone else to change, turn the focus back to yourself, notice what is coming up for you, and then become the change you long to see in them!
So think about it…What are your issues with others? What are your problems?What are your judgments about the situation or the other person?
What do they need to change? What will it give you if the people in your life or the situation were to change?
What can that person or that thing give to you or do for you to make it better? How will your life improve?
Take time to think about this, and feel into what comes up for you. Then get honest with yourself…
Is it possible, that you might be holding yourself back from living a charmed life because you are focusing on what is wrong with THEM?
For each of those statements you made about the other person, find an equally true statement about yourself.
Using my example about my walk with Jeff:
He never listens to me, he isn’t proud of me… becomes, I don’t listen to myself, I am not proud of myself. Or, I want to listen better to myself, I want to feel proud of myself.
It is easy to wish that others would be nice to, and it is easy to see their faults, but it very difficult to look into your own actions and to consider your own shortcomings. If you can remember to become the change you long to see in other people, they will try to follow your example. If you can turn your attention back to yourself and find your own shortcomings without being too hard on yourself, you will be using your time more efficiently than if you spent it wishing others would change. Your good example will do more to change others than your wishing, your complaining, and your words.
Paramahansa Yogananda, who wrote the book Autobiography of a Yogi, said, “When we look at the negative side long enough, we ourselves take on the negative qualities. When we concentrate on the good, we take on goodness”.
He also said: If you want to be loved, start loving yourself and others who need your love. If you expect others to be honest with you, then start by being honest with yourself. If you want others to sympathize with you, start showing sympathy to those around you. If you want to be respected, and appreciated, you must learn to be respectful to everyone, both young and old. If you want a display of peace from others, you must be peaceful yourself. Whatever you want others to be, first be that yourself. Then, you will find others responding in like manner to you.